I am going to go ahead and let you know right off the bat that this post is a complete over share. You will learn more about me in this post then you ever wanted to know. It is in fact a bit odd and gross but none the less after months of not blogging I feel like I have a story to tell. That story is of my drug test this morning.
Today started out like every other Wednesday morning. I got out of bed, went pee, put on my cloths, started my car, brushed my teeth then left my apartment for the day. First things first, it was off to the high school for a quick pee in the cup for my bus driver random drug test then off to work. Or so I thought.
I got to the school and I had to wait about 30min until it was my turn. Once the lady (who I can only assume hates her life and the only thing keeping her from running her car into the ditch is the fact that if she did, she would be covered with strangers urine when her family came to identify her remains, that might be a bit harsh but she was not a happy person) handed me my little cup I headed into the bathroom to take care of business. I got all set up and the well was dry. I mean like bone dry. You had to get 45 of some unit (not sure what it was mL maybe) and I got like 15. I asked her what my options were and she said I should go have some water and that I had 3 hours to get this done in.
I walked straight to the water fountain and of course it was only a small dribble. The irony was amazing and I could not help but laugh. So I had to pay $2 for a bottle of water which over the next 10min I filled up and drank 5 times. Then I ran into another man who was having the same problem I was, and we decided maybe it would help if we walked a bit.
Off grandpa (he about 70 year old man) and I went to walk around the indoor track with all the high school kids looking at us like old creepers. After about 45min of laps and water he said he thought he was ready. We stopped at the table and the lady asked me how much water I had to drink and I told her 5 bottles. She then decided to tell me that my max allotment was 2. What in the hell I was supposed to do then? Obviously water was not coming out of me.
The other man went in and after about 3min came out looking like he did on the day his first grandchild was born. At that moment I could not help but be jealous of the sweet relief that must come at the end of labor, passing of a kidney stone or filling a cup of pee. She then turned to me and said, "Andrew Miller, are you ready to give it a try." I then dug a mental hole and played taps on both sides of my brain as I buried a large part of my manhood. "I will give it a try," I said, as I took my cup of shame.
I will stop with the details now and move the story on to the end, but before I do it is worth mentioning that I spent about 10min in the bathroom. I then left that room with a cup at about 44 units and said with a tear in my eye, "Will this be enough?" "Maybe," she said, and began to pour that precious urine I worked so hard to make into the other beakers. Don't you dare spill I thought to myself and in the end she said there was just enough.
I signed the papers saying that in fact it was my urine and dropped my head in shame as I walked past the high school gym class on my way to the car. And you know what the worst part of it all was?... how bad I had to pee when I got out of my car in Bloomington 30min later.
Keep up the fight
